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18 June 2009 @ 04:46 pm
"i daresay i could be kinder"  
title: I Daresay I Could Be Kinder
rating: PG
fandom/pairing: shinee, onew-centric, gen
prompt: midnight
summary: He'd frown at the music sheet for a moment, and then look around at Jonghyun and Taemin and Minho and Kibum and forget why he'd even been mad. It's hard to explain, though, so he mostly just smiles.

a/n: unedited somewhat edited? idek. this is kind of totally random. :)

i daresay i could be kinder:

A lot of times, Jinki spent his nights reading the fan cafés. 12 AM before a big performance, but he'd be curled up under his covers with his tiny little laptop, squinting at the bright, florescent love. It wasn't narcissism. He didn't agree with most of the nice, fluffy things that the fans would say, but the Onew Ache got to him, something that wasn't the product of stage lights or make-up foundation. Sometimes he just needed to be reminded that he was this clumsy, awkward, somewhat inept sort of kid, that it was just part of who he was, and that it was okay, even if it didn't feel okay most of the time.

It wasn't even that Jinki was insecure. On the contrary, he wasn't the type to care much about what other people thought -- people will think what people think -- as long he didn't make anyone sad, as long he didn't hold anyone back. He knew what resentment felt like, how it felt to be embarrassed of someone else, so he was very sorry most of the time. It wasn't that he didn't feel the warning vibes and discomfort in the air, just that he kept talking anyway. And even if he was sorry, it wasn't like he did it on purpose. It's just who Jinki was. He wasn't sure how to be ashamed of that anymore. And, after all, it'd take a whole lot of work and a whole lot of silence to change things.

Sometimes, he felt very sorry for Minho, who always, always had to stop and think before he spoke, who always missed the moment by just a hair. The only people who never fail -- Jinki read this on a t-shirt somewhere -- are the ones who never do anything. But then he saw how people loved Minho anyway, how he was beautiful enough to let his eyes do the talking for him, and although Jinki was a bit jealous, more than anything he was just relieved that Minho didn't have to feel the same way Jinki usually does. That, of course, isn't to say that Jinki was anyone to feel sorry for -- he was such a lucky boy -- but Minho didn't deserve that, not when he had so much left to show people. Jinki wanted to tell him that sometimes. You've got so much to give to the world, Minho-yah. You could let it shine once in a while, if you wanted. But that would have been weird, so Jinki said nothing.

Click, click. Type a reply. Sad smile.

Jinki couldn't deny that his spirits were slightly dampened by the sudden decrease in song lines, but then he looked at Taemin -- Taemin, who was growing up so fast and smart and sweet, this sweet kid who couldn't hurt a fly but could probably practice magnae mind control if he wanted -- and he was so proud. Jinki had watched Taemin practice his breathing. He'd done it for hours, singing, loud and off-key at the top of his longs while Jinki repeated the same dance steps over and over again, just one more time, stumble, grin, okay, one more time -- and so he ultimately decided that Taemin deserved whatever new album time he got, not that Jinki was anyone to make those decisions anyway. After he'd thought about it some, he realized that he really didn't mind. He'd frown at the music sheet for a moment, and then he'd looked around at Jonghyun and Taemin and Minho and Kibum and forgotten why he'd even been mad. It was hard to explain, so he mostly just smiled.

When Jinki could shake the awkward lilt in his dance moves and pose for a serious picture without looking like the world's biggest poo-bag, then he would complain. So, maybe never? That would be fine too. After all, in the grand scheme of things, Jinki was just one more boy with puffy cheeks, thinking that he must be the movie's main character, that he must be the lucky one out of the faceless million. The thought made him shiver. He was mostly happier with letting other people have what he sort of wanted than with taking it for himself anyway.

Kibum had informed him, on several separate occasions, that this was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard. If you don't stand up for yourself, no one's going to do it for you. You'll end up with nothing at all. But Jinki had just smiled. He didn't really see what would be so terrible about that, to be honest. Nothing to break. But he hadn't said anything, just smiled and told Kibum he was right, because he liked to see Kibum smile. Kibum was go-getter, and while Jinki wasn't exactly fond of the way Kibum's selfishness flared up sometimes, Jinki was very fond of the way he walked and cracked jokes and said exactly what he thought no matter what. Kibum was always trying to get quicker and sharper and better, (at least when he'd deemed it worthy of his effort and easy enough to achieve.) He had a lot of pride, but Jinki understood that too, and he was sorry when he made Kibum ashamed of him. It wasn't always easy to let it go, and he admired the way Kibum was always managing to sidestep embarrassment, (and while Jinki was busy admiring, embarrassment was standing right in front of him, just waiting for him to crash right through it.) He was fond of the way Kibum tried to pretend he didn't care about anything, and then pretended that it didn't matter when he made it obvious that he did, and then switched back again. It had left all their heads spinning after a while, but Jinki would have probably just ended up bumping his head into a light pole anyway, so there was not too much use in worrying about it.

Weigh the options, leader-sshi. Not worth it. Just let it go. Big smile.

His mother always used to tell him that he was a smart boy, and Jinki knew that she was probably right. He usually didn't think about it, but when he did he'd start to smile a little bit. Numbers made patterns, which made sense. Words made beauty, which made his heart ache. He could tell the difference between right and wrong, couth and uncouth, but only if he had a second to think about it, if he knew the outcomes and limits. He used to think he was going to be be a math teacher, but then he sang a little and then a little more, and he really liked it and figured, eh, only one life to live, might as well use it. His mother told him that his voice was beautiful, and then she laughed with him and wiped his tears when he left home. Jinki missed his parents a lot, but he figured that it was a normal enough thing to do, and so he'd visit home every weekend and bring presents and his loudest laugh back to the family meat shop.

Jonghyun would always be hanging around the kitchen to offer Jinki a hug when he got back to the dorm, just because he looked like he needed it, and Jinki hadn't been able to keep the smile off his face once, not even one time, even though he sort of felt like crying. He thought that maybe Jonghyun was his favorite, just by a hair, (and not that it mattered anyway, because Jinki would never ever tell.) It was probably just that he understood Jonghyun better than he did anyone else. There was cause and effect. Jonghyun was a lot like Jinki in a lot of ways, (aside from the fact that he was just better at things than Jinki in general,) and Jinki knew what it was like to know he was good at something, to want people know that you're worth something, but to know that you'll come off as an asshole-showoff if you try too hard. Here, they made different choices but came to the same conclusions in the end. I want to sing, I want to sing better. Jonghyun had been popular in high school -- all girls were after him, all the boys too -- which Jinki had never experienced, but which he still kind of understood. It was a swelling up feeling, wonderful and lonely. Jonghyun was also not nearly as book-smart as Jinki was, and Jinki knew what it was like to feel stupid and that Jonghyun always took too much of everything to heart, and he wished that he could give something up so Jonghyun didn't have to feel that feeling. It was like some strange mixture of love and admiration and embarrassment watching Jonghyun cry. Everyone always had their eyes on him, but it wasn't simply narcissism, Jinki knew. Jonghyun wanted attention, sure, but he attracted it by default more than effort. He was always trying to share -- rolling his eyes, but laughing off Kibum's biting comments and pulling Jinki into the spaces between them anyway, practicing songs with Taemin and making sure his voice went just sharp enough enough that Taemin would feel okay about singing flat, throwing arms over Minho's neck and pulling him down to the level of regular boys. Jinki was jealous of Jonghyun's status as lead vocal, of course he was, but how could anyone possibly resent a boy like that? He'd never want Jonghyun to feel badly, after all, especially not just for being himself and accidentally eye-catching.

It wasn't like Jinki hadn't always seen the small possibility that his sincerity would get through to people in the end. He was such a lucky boy. How could anyone have ever said otherwise? One day, maybe Jinki would have a solo song of his own, only after Taemin and Kibum and Minho had all done theirs, of course. Maybe after he'd finished making sure that everyone was okay, he could take out a little time for himself and show the world a sparkle or two. It would be nice, but it didn't really matter in the end.

Onew Ache, said some seventeen-year-old girl, miles and miles away, and Jinki smiled, because she was sometimes the only reason that he was okay. There were times when he wished he could give her everything she wanted, hugs and kisses and candy canes, but Jinki knew that love was more than a TV screen and a ten-foot fall. He wondered if she was beautiful or not, if she'd ever tripped over nothing and scratched up her hands, if she was just like him or something else completely. He wondered if they could have fallen in love if he hadn't become a singer and he'd just met her in a bookstore somewhere, if he would have tripped over himself trying to talk to her, if she would have laughed at him and called him stupid and said, "I think we're soul mates, random boy. Let's get married tomorrow, shall we?" Sometimes, late at night, reading all those cute little comments on Daum, Jinki just wondered about these things.

But then he closed his laptop abruptly and pulled the blankets off of himself and, crouching stealthily on his bed, looked around at the four boys who were sleeping soundly all around him, breathing and dreaming, eyelashes touching their cheeks. After a moment, when nothing happened, Jinki laughed and climbed carefully into Minho's bed, grinning when Minho opened one eye at him and threw a heavy arm across his waist and promptly went back to sleep. Typical, Jinki thought. He knew them very well. He was so proud.
Sarah: 슈퍼주니어 ■ we just don't careheechul_oppa on June 19th, 2009 12:00 am (UTC)
OMGWTFBBQ ALSJDFL. You must be a mind-reader. I have been in the mood for a Onew-centric fic for oh so effing long.

lol. I'll go read now.
Sarah: 샤이니 ■ such a smiling sweetheartheechul_oppa on June 19th, 2009 12:17 am (UTC)
Uhm. You make my heart ache. Honesty, truth, ugh. So much of it in here. Can't even form proper sentences. It's funny, but in a way I empathize with him. The whole having potential, but not really knowing how to live up to it (or if you even want to live up to it at all). But this just reminds me how insanely humble Onew is, which is absurd really because he's got so much talent; he's smart, he sings beautifully, he shines. But.

Sorry. Well-written fic makes me go all jelloid inside and over-think stuff. I am a such a useless puddle of love when it comes to your works. -____-

Edited at 2009-06-19 12:18 am (UTC)
whut.pumadragon on June 19th, 2009 07:10 am (UTC)
;_____; ily. minnesotans fucking rock. not relevant, but just saying.

Also, even though I fail and response to feedback, I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME WHAT I DID CHARACTER-WISE, BECAUSE IDEK. I empathize too. Basically... Onew... is just like me... in a non-narcissistic-asshole type of way. D: He is like my male, Korean personality-doppelganger, except for he's way awesomer. And cuter. WHAT? SO YOU'VE BEEN DOING DONALD DUCK IMPRESSIONS SINCE THE 3RD GRADE? ME TOO. WHAT THE HELL. We only have our fail in common, basically. Never mind.

Um, and what all that was supposed to mean was... THANK YOU ♥
Sarah: Anime ■ mad about the boyheechul_oppa on June 20th, 2009 05:16 am (UTC)
ignore my awesome late-reply skills, k?
lol. minnesota love does not need to be relevant to be osm. ♥ ♥ ♥

And you must be my lj twin, I swear, because, like. Ugh. Onew just...he is my Korean male idol couterpart. Fr srs. IDK. *crying* I MAY NOT HAVE BEEN DOING DONALD DUCK IMPRESSIONS SINCE 3RD GRADE, BUT STILL. I don't even know how to put this because I feel slightly egotistical whenever I even think it (though I think it a lot ;___;), but...uhm. He and I seem extremely similar in many many respects? GUH. I am horribly incoherent right now. I'm sorry. This comment is all sorts of creeper/shitty babbling and I'm sorry, but. But. LAK;SJDFWOIEJN. Okay, feel free to ignore me. I am strange. And stupid. And creepy. And I'm sorry for all of that.

whut.pumadragon on June 20th, 2009 05:19 am (UTC)
Re: ignore my awesome late-reply skills, k?
omg ♥

who needs jinki? let's just get married to each other.
Sarah: Squirrel ■ pasos de giganteheechul_oppa on June 20th, 2009 06:07 am (UTC)
Re: ignore my awesome late-reply skills, k?
land of dreams
(half-assed) onew/taemin, gen.
(of purple painted coffee cups and sharing headphones during lunch break)

Onew likes to think that this world is his for the taking, his to conquer. He dreams about it at night along with black striped bandanas and fangirls and the pizza that SHINee had for dinner the night before. He dreams about taking it with his bare palms and setting it on his shoulders, conquering what no one else has ever dared to conquer, and relieving the burden of everyone else by placing it all onto himself. He likes to think that he’s noble, sometimes, or something special, a person that other people love and cherish.

But mostly he thinks that he’s a side character in his own movie, not quite special enough to be at the forefront and yet. And yet.

“I don’t get it.” Key grimaces and shakes his head. “How can anyone think like that?”

Onew sighs because Key can't get it. Key is aggressive and determined in ways that Onew is not and therefore cannot understand what Onew is saying.

“It’s not that I mind, really,” Onew tries to explain. “I like watching what’s happening; I just like being a part of everything.”

“You can’t live your life through other people,” Key presses and Onew gives up trying to explain. Because he’s not living through other people, not really. More like living alongside them. And what’s more precious than that?

“Uhm,” says Taemin, because he is little and soft and not-exactly-innocent but nevertheless very obviously the youngest of the group. Onew does not expect him to understand, but that’s okay. He doesn’t really want him to understand. He just wants Taemin to listen.

“Uhm,” Taemin repeats and smiles quietly (sadly) up at Onew. “You sound lonely,” he says (all pretty and lilting and Taemin-like). “You sound sad.”

“But I’m not,” Onew reasons, because he’s not. Not really. Not all of the time. Not more than anyone else.

“You might not thinks so, but.” Taemin stops to stare at Onew. His head falls slightly to the side. And then he has his arms around Onew’s neck and he is breathing into Onew’s skin and. Well.

Onew suddenly starts to think that maybe he just doesn’t understand himself. Because Taemin makes a fairly sound argument.

(“Don’t forget us, okay?” Taemin demands, simple and ground-breaking.

Onew just laughs and replies, “How could I? You guys are my life.”)

lololol. Uhm. This is, like, the closest I can get to saying LET US MAKE IT OFFICIAL. If this is too creeperish for you. Uhm. Then I'm sorry. I'll just go die in a hole, then.

Edited at 2009-06-20 06:09 am (UTC)
whut.pumadragon on June 20th, 2009 06:10 am (UTC)
Re: ignore my awesome late-reply skills, k?
whut.pumadragon on June 20th, 2009 06:14 am (UTC)
Re: ignore my awesome late-reply skills, k?
Sarah: 소녀시대 ■ i just tell 'em i like toastheechul_oppa on June 20th, 2009 06:16 am (UTC)
Re: ignore my awesome late-reply skills, k?
whut.pumadragon on June 20th, 2009 06:40 am (UTC)
.......which means yes. ;o;
Sarah: 샤이니 ■ :Dvheechul_oppa on June 20th, 2009 07:10 am (UTC)
chinagirl4evrchinagirl4evr on June 19th, 2009 12:34 am (UTC)
This why Onew is such a great leader. He let's the other memebers shine first :)
× jade: onew // . u.sapphiresnow on June 19th, 2009 01:28 am (UTC)
That was so beautiful ♥ The sad smile, Onew Ache, him being so humble and understanding and ughh ♥♥♥♥

I love this so much, rereading now.

A part of me loves how Jonghyun gets a giant paragraph.
(Deleted comment)
Cinhocinho on June 19th, 2009 01:40 am (UTC)
"throwing arms over Minho's neck and pulling him down to the level of regular boys."


gah, my heart aches for this boy. <3<3
미윤;sly_pantera on June 19th, 2009 02:22 am (UTC)
sajdaskd this feels so much like onew. ;_; the insecurity and the love and the jealousy and just asdajd. this was amazing, really. ♥
dea: onew  brb lmao smiley dubudhengsaeng on June 19th, 2009 07:20 am (UTC)
hdsbsahdbjabhj this is simply beautiful

(•_•): dubu/1twowaay on June 20th, 2009 07:03 pm (UTC)
:( i'm having onew-ache. right now.

beautifully written.
bring the boys outshuwei on June 23rd, 2009 12:50 am (UTC)
I really liked this :) ♥ The characterizations were great, esp the Jonghyun's passage because it's so him.
scylladakyllascylladakylla on June 30th, 2009 04:51 pm (UTC)
Guh, so I'm horribly behind in replying to fics lately, but omg this was so spot-on for everyone. ♥ From Minho thinking too much before acting to Taemin growing and growing to Kibum being loud and obnoxious and brutally honest and kind of what Onew wishes he could be but knows he can't to Jonghyun understanding Dubu a bit better than anyone to Jinki, omg, Jinki. He is so sweet and humble and self-deprecating and insecure, and just. ;___; He tries so, so hard and he doesn't seem to realize that he's amazing and people love him just the way he is and he just keeps trying, and. T___T
filthyjones: LOVEfilthyjones on November 26th, 2009 03:06 pm (UTC)
♥ x 1000000000000000 :)
This just hit home.
Danielleontokkey on April 8th, 2012 12:25 am (UTC)
This is so well written. What a lovely read. :' )
centuriesdeep: Donghaecenturiesdeep on December 9th, 2012 09:21 pm (UTC)
this always makes my heart ache but it's so beautifully written ;__;
hiloser04hiloser04 on September 14th, 2014 08:01 pm (UTC)
Gross sobbing
This was like really beautiful